Know What You’re Actually Trying to Achieve

Jefferson’s Advice: If you don’t know your goal, you’re likely chasing validation or control— not connection.

Jefferson points out that most communication goes sideways because people don’t know what they want out of it. They’re just reacting to their own discomfort, anger, or anxiety.

Before you speak, ask yourself:

• “What’s my actual goal here?”
  
  

• “Do I want connection, clarity, closure, or change?”
  
  

• “Is this about solving the problem—or just making a point?”
  
  

Knowing your goal helps filter what needs to be said—and what doesn’t.

Drop the Ego. Keep the Purpose.

Jefferson’s Advice: You don’t have to win the moment to win the relationship.

When your goal is connection, healing, or shared understanding, then being right or getting the last word becomes less important.
You might still hold boundaries. You might still express needs. But you do it with direction, not ego.

Instead of going in blind, try this:

• From “I’ll prove I’m right”
  
  

• To “I’ll protect the connection while still honoring myself”
  
  

This doesn’t make you passive. It makes you intentional.

Cut the Side Quests

Jefferson’s Advice: If it doesn’t serve the goal, leave it out.

Mid-conversation, you might feel tempted to bring up:

• That thing they said last week
  
  

• The sarcastic tone
  
  

• The “always” and “never” patterns
  
  

• A new grievance to pile on top
  
  

Unless those things directly serve your goal (repairing, understanding, setting boundaries, etc.), they’re distractions.

Instead of derailing, try this:

• “Let’s stick with this issue for now.”
  
  

• “That matters too, but can we stay here first?”
  
  

• “My goal is clarity—not a laundry list of old wounds.”
  
  

One issue at a time. One goal in sight.

Communicate Your Goal Out Loud

Jefferson’s Advice: If the other person knows where you're going, they’re more likely to come with you.

You don’t have to hold your goal in secret. Tell them. It keeps both people accountable.

Say things like:

• “My goal is for us to find a solution that works for both of us.”
  
  

• “I’m not here to blame—I just want to be honest and figure out how to move forward.”
  
  

• “This is uncomfortable, but I care about our relationship and want to work through it.”
  
  

This softens defenses and sets a clear direction.

Real-Life Scenario: The Exhausted Parent

Your child has refused to do homework…again. You’re exhausted. The temptation to lecture is strong.

Old approach:

“You’re being so lazy. You never listen to me. This is why your grades are slipping!”

New, goal-driven approach:

(Deep breath) “I’m not here to argue. My goal is to help you succeed, and to figure out what’s making this so hard for you right now.”

Now you’ve shifted from power struggle to partnership.

Takeaway

Saying it with the goal in mind is about staying steady in the chaos.
It’s parenting with purpose.
It’s partnering with presence.
It’s leading conversations that go somewhere, not just explode and fade.

So next time you’re about to dive into a tough talk, ask yourself:

• “What outcome do I actually want here?”
  
  

• “How can I speak in a way that leads us toward that?”
  
  

You’ll be amazed how much more effective (and connected) your communication becomes.

Series Recap: The 4 Rules to Transform Any Tough Conversation

1. Say it with control – Regulate yourself first.
   
   

2. Say it with confidence – Own your voice without apology.
   
   

3. Say it with curiosity – Ask to understand, not accuse.
   
   

4. Say it with the goal in mind – Speak with intention, not impulse.
   
   

When you master these four rules, you don’t just “win” arguments, you build healthier, more resilient relationships.

And if this blog series has helped you, share it with someone who could use a new way to communicate, too! We’re all just trying to get a little better at the hard stuff.

NEXT UP:

We'll dive into the bonus chapter: How to apply these conversation rules when dealing with narcissists, so you can protect your peace without losing your voice.