Say It with Control: Your Everyday Superpower

How to “Say It with Control” like Jefferson Fisher suggests.

In our last post, we talked about the preparation phase. Grounding yourself before a hard conversation helps you lead with clarity instead of chaos.

Now we’re moving into what happens next: When it’s time to actually speak.

Rule One of Part Two in The Next Conversation: Say it with control

This isn’t about stuffing your feelings down or being robotic. It’s about owning your emotions instead of letting them run the show. Let’s look at what that means—and how you can do it in real life.

Pause Before You Speak

Jefferson’s Advice: If you feel heat in your chest, your body is telling you to slow down, not power through.

When you’re upset, your nervous system is in the driver’s seat. Your brain thinks you’re in danger (even if you’re just annoyed that someone’s interrupting you), and it reacts accordingly: fight, flight, or freeze.

Instead of letting your emotions carry you, try this:
Take what Jefferson calls a "conversational breath" (We talked about it in the last post, remember?):

• Inhale gently for 2 seconds
  
  

• Take a quick 1-second top-up breath
  
  

• Exhale slowly for 6 seconds
  
  

This sends a signal to your brain: I’m okay. I can respond instead of react.

Check Your Body Before You Check Someone Else

Jefferson’s Advice: The first person you need to regulate is yourself.

When you're about to say something important (especially during conflict), scan your body. Are your fists clenched? Is your jaw tight? Is your voice already raised, and you haven’t even started yet?

Instead of reacting strongly, try this:

• Wiggle your fingers
  
  

• Drop your shoulders
  
  

• Soften your tone

•  Then speak

That physical shift might seem small, but it creates space for a healthier exchange.

Anchor Your Intention Before You Open Your Mouth

Jefferson’s Advice: Lead with what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation.

Jefferson teaches that the first few seconds of a conversation set the tone. If your first words are reactive or defensive, you’re already climbing uphill.

Instead of starting on defense, try this:

• “I want to talk about this, but I’m not here to argue.”
  
  

• “This is important to me, and I want to approach it calmly.”
  
  

• “I’m feeling frustrated, but I’m trying to stay respectful.”
  
  

Framing your intention puts you back in control and helps the other person feel safe enough to listen.

Remember That Calm Is Contagious

Jefferson’s Advice: You don’t have to control the other person; you just have to control your energy.

When someone comes in hot— yelling, blaming, emotional —it’s easy to mirror that intensity. But Jefferson reminds us: when we say it with control, we don’t need to overpower. We lead by example.

Instead of getting lost in intensity, try this:
Even if the other person is reactive, stay rooted in your own calm:

• “Let’s slow down for a second.”
  
  

• “I’ll listen to you, but not if we’re shouting.”
  
  

• “We’re both upset. Can we pause and come back to this in a better headspace?”
  
  

Real-Life Example: Your Partner Snaps at You

Let’s say your partner walks in and says, “You always leave the kitchen a mess!”
Your stomach tightens. You're tempted to fire back with a “Well, you never…” reply.

Instead, you take a pause.
You breathe.
You say, “I can tell this is bothering you. Let’s talk about it—but not like this.”

Boom. You’ve just changed the direction of the entire conversation.

Takeaway

“Say it with control” isn’t about being quiet or shutting down your feelings. It’s about staying grounded long enough to speak from your values, not your adrenaline.

When you do that:

• Your kids learn emotional maturity by watching you.
  
  

• Your partner feels safer opening up.
  
  

• Your coworkers respond to your calm, not your heat.
  
  

So next time you feel the urge to react, breathe, body check, and speak with purpose.
That’s the real power of The Next Conversation.

NEXT UP: SAY IT WITH CONFIDENCE